Everything screams; fucking lonely.
I was thinking about all the times, all of those times that I ever felt completely wanted. And I counted them on my fingers the same way that Anna and I counted the different ways of 'six', so that people in class think we're crazy. And I thought about how I'm driving myself crazy & carving up everything I've got, pushing everyone away.
Why can't I be happy with what I've got? When everyone tells me, I should be grateful, I don't have the right to be upset. Why doesn't it make a difference, when everyone's there all around me and I can't feel a thing, like being so, so cold, so numb. Theres no one there, outside the 'bell jar I'm stewing myself in', they're outside. I want them there but I don't because then they'll be unhappy. But tapping on the glass and pointing to the exit doesn't work, 'cause the door's jammed and I'm too weak to open it myself; you're always saying it, I'm not built for 'hard physical labour'..Being like this is what gets me dropped. It's why Luke got rid of me, and it's why everyone else does. I'm scared, because I'm weak and more than a little pathetic. He talks like I can help it; like I can pull myself up and be as falsely cheerful as he is; he isn't really happy and even if I could, I wouldn't pursue that. I wanted to lose you, I wanted him to win. I wanted to be sucked into this fucking ridiculous competition, that I can't help but lose.
Tonight I sat & watched and wished I was up there with you two..I'm silly, but I did. And as it went on I got further and further away, sucked into it again, not being there & wishing I could be brave enough to talk, make conversation like normal person, to actually show you that I care & that you were wonderful, but I'm beaten off and too scared that I'm not wanted. 'Look man, I'm telling you right off the bat I'm high maintenance .If you wanna be with me, you're with me.' Tiptoeing around until I see something, that inspires momentary courage, but it's fleeting. And there is so much, so much waiting here, until I'm brave enough, until there is someone who, well, who's brave enough I guess. And I so badly want to be the person 'who makes you so happy', but it has to be the person strong enough for me, which is selfish but I can't get past this without someone. It's all locked up, and it's there somewhere, I'm showing it to you, there isn't anyone willing to make the jump. Don't blame them though, what's there to look for? Bruises and burns, just got to find someone who likes them as much as me. All it's ever been about is whats on the surface and I've scratched and cut mine away, til it's just raw and pulsing, festering because it got cut too soon, before you arrived, to sew me back up and fuse me back together, there won't be so much left soon.
And what he said, you, you are that 'he', you're so perfectly right. As you are so much, about so much more than you realise, or get credit for, that it doesn't mean anything, if I try and show anyone, it doesn't mean anything, because it's there too often. I cast out too much, looking for something to sink those tacks into, I offer up what I have because I love you all, so much, that I don't want you to feel this, and if I do, I might not feel so empty, you might do it back, so I wouldn't be so lost. But it doesn't work like that, because people need you & once it starts you can't go back. And you don't just have me, which I know, but it's hard for me to take, I'm not a very sharing person, when on the other hand I am, which makes it all too ridiculous. Wished I was up there, because it'd be our little world, where we could pretend and do things that we couldn't normally do, because it isn't real and I'd show you and then run away, and see if you followed. I'd like someone to follow, just once. And to her, I am eternally grateful, eternally in her debt & love her, eternally. And this hurts, because I didn't realise it ran this deep. I really didn't, but it's all I can think of, as an answer, or explanation, even if I don't want it to be. And I wanted you to be that ol' person up there, that one I've been chasing - I know you aren't, I can see even that - but I do, so want you to be, sometimes. I want someone to hold; I want someone to hold me.

Feeling:
Listening to:
Pretending:

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