Talking about that with someone, there's so much more that you want to say, it just seems so hard to get it out & your words are so tangled and mixed up with all the thoughts that are scrambling through your brain. And there is so much you want to say, but is there anyway you can actually convey to anyone all the things that flit through you imagination; it can't be just those that make you who you are, so how can you make someone fully understand? I wish I could, but for telling me that everyone is the same & that you feel the same, it helps, it does. It is more to me to hear that you are, you who mean so much to me; as opposed to a faceless 'everyone'. Because you to me, are good & I don't want to disappoint you, like I think I do every day. Like I did him before, but that's beyond any sort of salvation and has been for a long time.
I am selfish, and I realised it. I like walking at night. I want people to pay attention to me. I think I have stalkerish tendencies...! I take everything so much to heart, every little moment & then I wonder if people ever do the same, but I don't think they do. Or they can't, because otherwise people would be as screwed up in the head of me, where every little moment will drive you crazy, you're so convinced there is a meaning behind it. If I can even claim that much. I wish I weren't so selfish, but perhaps it's a product of being indulged, I don't know. I'm not a nice person and I don't why I expect there to be someone out there, willing to indulge me, capable perhaps of being that person that I am determined to find, to hold onto me. Why am I not satisfied with what I have? I'm spoilt and I can't get used to not being indulged.
And even if I could explain it to you, what does that mean?
It doesn't mean anything, because I feel it all too much, for everyone & so that is what is expected. And it's really there, it's all there, it's just it's hard to show it, although sometimes I wonder why I bother, it's not noticed and it just lies. I wanted to touch people, to make some little difference, but it seems more than a little futile, I don't have that thing with anyone, and I'm not going to make that much difference, it'd be nice to once, to inspire someone. Just that, just once, just enough.

If this is all that appears when I attempt to decipher what goes on, perhaps I should be worried..!

Feeling:
Listening to:
Pretending: