I've thought about this. I thought about it whilst I was reading the bell jar. I thought about it along with the other things that are occupying my mind at the moment. And I decided to write it in here, although everyone who reads this thinks I'm an idiot for still feeling like this, and still caring like this. I'm not going to pretend I don't, because despite how it may appear, I'm trying to be honest. some people, I don't care what they think, in fact most people. The only people whose opinion I do care about are those, that if they loved me like I loved them, they'd let me alone & tell me to do what I want. So, I hope they do & that they don't mind. That's something I'm afraid of, however irrational it is, them minding.

Yesterday was great, it was different & just great great great. Fun, & I got to be with him for almost the whole day.

I'm so glad that he doesn't read this, I'd be so embarrassed - but I'm not embarrassed in front of you, my lovely d-land people, because you know all my secrets anyway & because it's a bit of a clique we're in now, really, isn't it?

We spent ages on the train, talking randomly, and to this man who claimed to be a record producer - "50 Cent's a bullshitter" - but whom we secretly suspected of working in Asda. We then walked across Tower Bridge and sae David Blaine in his ridiculous perspex box. The fool. And all his groupies in their t-shirts. Which was funny. We stood there and watched him for a while, but a man in box, occasionally sitting up and waving half-heartedly - admittedly, he's almost dead, but y'know... - it's pretty boring. We all got separated because of all the people, but then walked down the river bank, we spent a lot of time hanging over walls and the side of bridges, looking at the river. We walked across London Bridge and wandered across to Starbucks. It was so hot...I just had to have a frappacino, you know...and spent ages talking about nothing. We went to the Tate - where they have an enormous fake sun, it's gorgeous, with a ceiling of mirrors. Everyone lays on the floor and the room is filled with mist. There were a big group of people making all different letters and shapes on the floor and we were gonna join in, lower the tone - in true essex style - and make a rude word. Guess whose idea that was. But there were only three of us, so we couldn't. We satisfied ourselves by making a triangle, and just staring up at the ceiling. Doane & I, we almost got our heads stepped on, Loki had his head on my legs. We stayed there for ages, it was really nice. There was a man with a camera, taking pictures of everyone on the floor. We got up, eventually, and went to look at the pictures, skipped Still Life & went straight to my picture, which is still as gorgeous as ever. Although the other two, they didn't think it very nice. I don't care, I still love it. We looked around all over the place, and I made them go into the Rothko room, because I love that too. We sat down for ages, and looked at the paintings, then sat down on the black leather sofas, in front of the windows. We stayed there for ages, just talking, Loki was playing 'sky diver' on my phone, and putting on various pieces of my jewellery. In fact, Doane got really annoyed with us, and kept threatening to leave, although he didn't. He was really actually pissed off, and looked it. We went to Covent Garden & looked at various people, things, it was great. Doane was still pissed off though, and got even more so when Loki wandered around looking at things for ages. We listened to the music, it was great..I went to get Loki, for once I was actually peacemaker, it amazes me how easily they can piss each other off, it's quite funny really. We went to Pizza Hut, it was good, we shared a pizza, and talked for ages, about the future, about people and guitars and things. We paid, left and went to Oxford Street. It was really lovely, at night, it was as if it were Christmas. We walked along, I holding onto them both, just so they could practically pull me along, they walked so fast.We spent loads of time in shops, messing around. Specifically the lingerie departments and hats and accessories. Trying on things we couldn't afford, like my gorgeous red trilby thing..."You're a sexy beast..." It was cold, and I hadn't worn my coat, because I'm an idiot. But I'm glad I didn't, just for the excuse, just to mean his hands could keep hold of me like they did. His fingers, on my waist, and my shoulders and my neck. It made me feel special, that's what. I don't care what else, that's all. It was just, exactly how I wanted it to be; when his arms were round me & he'd grabbed me round the waist. We wandered round more & more, in all the posh department stores, playing with the sports stuff, looking at the clothes. It was dark, but it was great, just like Christmas, just fun. We decided we'd better go, and spent time waiting on the train. There were so many people, on the platform, and all crushing to get on the train, I put my hand out, and he held it really tight, really, which made me smile more than anything. We barely fit on the train, and Loki barely did, he's so tall. We ran around all the stations, to get on the train home, and just about did. We sat down, and talked, you know, the usual. A few stops later, a man sitting opposite us got off, and left behind his 'dirty lady' magazine, which differs apparently from a plain old porn magazine. Of course this meant we had to swap seats, so the boys could have a look. It was so funny...Doane just had to have a look, being 'curious'...I don't know how, but I ended up being the most sex-crazed person there. That's what they said. I wasn't. Really. Although, it was ever so funny. After debating whether either of them were going to take it, or travel all the way to Southend, they left, and we all walked home. And they walked me unnecessarily to my door.

It was so strange. I didn't want it to end, though.

It made me feel bad though, as if I was sort of 'investing' everything into this, and he didn't even want it, well, I don't know if he did or not, I don't know if he does. I was thinking, actually it was after I'd read something Gareth Gates had written. In actuality, I'm ashamed of the fact it was something he'd said that provoked my thinking. He's so annoying. Anyway, it was something along the lines; 'love is..where you can't stop thinking about someone...lust is..where you just think 'yeah, I'd like to do her'. Hmm. Is that true? Well, what's this then? Because I'm not the type of person that people fancy, I know that, I'm used to it. In fact I like it. But is that it? Is it love or nothing?

He said: but i suppose it leaves a great sense of

mystery to u, i mean its like ur a tuff nut to crak,like id like u to b, every now and then but the fact u arent would prolly make u...well im not making much sense but i no wot i mean

Is that good then, you think my dear?

Well yes and no i guess

Feeling:
Listening to:
Pretending:

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