Do you ever get those moments when you think - everything's suddenly changed, when you hate them so much that you couldn't care less if they ever talked to you again? Of course it only lasts a few minutes, barely that before you have to start looking again, making sure they're still there. And the only reason you hate them - they aren't paying you any attention; or the kind you want at least. Just because it seems like so much of an uphill struggle the whole time, because half the time you seem not to want me around. Not want me around, not want to know me at all. You mix it all up, with those little moments that I think are so amazing, but not knowing whether they mean anything to you at all. I can't blame you, I no doubt do the same thing all the time. Not intentionally, I give my reason for not making it anymore obvious (too obvious to me, not enough to you) so I don't get hurt. Again. Because I do, I will. I don't know what it means...that we're just not right; that we don't fit, that we can't speak to each other properly. Maybe because in some respects he's not real for me, that he still represents something unreal, an idealization & he can't live up to it. Of course he can't - no one could. And I should stop expecting him to. I'm just under the same old illusions again.

And then, of course, it returns to normal, I want him all over again, despite everything, no matter how much I try not to. I don't think I'd be happy though, without it. Without this, without having this person, this ideal in front of me promising something so good. It's just having it realised, well, it's...not how imagined it

Maybe that's all it's ever going to be.

But I'm a hopeless romantic at heart, and I still think that if it's meant to happen it will, and I still believe that something will happen to me...something. Even if it's that I die before I'm thirty.

Feeling:
Listening to:
Pretending:

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