All those ideas that bubbled up in double German today disappeared & I stood at the end of my road and took pictures of the orange-fondanty sky. I don't know why, I just like orange fondants. I'm giving up chocolate for Lent, & sweets. GOOD. I have a little list of things that I have to do, somewhere and good intentions, but they've already faded. And fondant sky with trees crawling all over it, makes me happy. So does standing at the end of the road, and forgetting people can hear me sing (badly) to Molly's Lips, and taking pictures of these real people. Perhaps they seem more real because they are completely separate from anything I know. It wasn't sunny, like I'd hoped; but fog is good too & cold mornings with smoky clouds of breathing & red felt coats. Not quite as long as I'd wanted, but it's pretty. I'd wanted one where I didn't have to wear much underneath at all. With red underwear & red shoes. - This goes on my list, along with swimming in tomatoes, getting stoned & getting stoned - And today wasn't really a very good day, I'm not doing very well in all sorts of tests. But I am happy because things are still beautiful & not everyone can see it. And maybe, I don't know, it gives me something special. I am taking pictures of all these stupid things & I don't even know why I want to record this beauty. And other little things, like having arms wrapped around me when I didn't expect it & good because it's taken on face comfortable value, & nice to have someone hold onto you, a little. And the prettiest songs; I'm feeling like Kings of Convenience now, and that makes me smile again. Maybe it came just from leaving college, or taking pretty pictures, and all these pretty things. Maybe it's because I ate today, or the sky did look like fondant. Because it was cold, but not too cold & the sun appeared somewhere. Or because there are people that I fall in with and they make everything okay in the end, because I always loved them. Because I made my bed this morning and it makes me feel like something went right. Or maybe someone did put vodka in my pancakes and I'm drunk now. I thought I'd better write this down, because I need to write & I want to, as well as that I don't usually record any inexplicable happiness. It doesn't feel real, at all, my brain all emptied. I don't have to do anything, only because I want to; and that is some rare freedom, I suppose. And I want to help you, because I want to see you smiling, I'll do my best and maybe I'll never be that person remembered - for once, it doesn't matter to me today. I'm happy I existed at all, and look I got here myself. Maybe it was an accident, but I'm still here, so I'm allowed to stay this way, and I'm allowed to actually believe myself, even if it is crazy. I always say now that Tuesdays are the worst days, but they have the prettiest name. Today seems like maybe it did live up to it's name.

Feeling:
Listening to:
Pretending:

last * next