Or I try. I don't blame you, It's me thats doing this anyway. I feel like I'm losing everyone, so I perpetuate it almost, even though it's probably the last thing that I could ever want. Sort of, cut my losses because it's inevitable, but I don't want you to confirm it, because I couldn't take that.
Christian has schizophrenia. And for some reason it feels like everythings caving in on me. So I can sit here, in my blue bed, in the middle of the day forever. Watching the sky which is as pure white as this background, for some reason. Making everything look sterile, but locked into a room. Like it's pressing down on me, but I can't see it, so I will suffocate without realising it. I should be doing my english coursework.
I attach myself to people because they amaze me. I look at them, and wish, so much, that I could be like them. Because they are beautiful, they do things in the prettiest way, they are good people, they are intelligent people, or they think about things like me.
"you think too much. seriously. way too much and it's bad for you."
Is it bad that I'm in love with everyone I know, practically? For something at least.
And people I don't know too. But for that, I'm not in love with anyone except someone who doesn't exist.
Or that I'm trying to be all of these other people at the same time, because I'm not good enough. And if I can scratch that away, and be good like all these other people, then it won't matter. I've just picked up bits of other people's personalities and made them my own. I stole that from someone too. I will latch on to part of a person's personality, just so that I can get there. And how much of this is my own? The part that people ridicule, I think.
I don't want to have to start joining in with all the mundane things that seem to make up all we live for. In one way I've started longing to be able to just do that, just get a job and work and go out with friends and study, but not really care, like other people do. But I can't do it because it's like giving in. Giving in to the idea that I'm real, and that I will never do anything except become part of this huge rat race, only because humans seem to have forgotten anything good, and everything matters, except all those things that aren't money and power and artificial niceties. Because there isn't anything that really matters. People don't care whether they are good anymore, or whether they're intelligent, or whether there are things existing which we don't even know about. Fuck everyone else, as long as you're having a good time.
And all those people, you don't even know, who are holding you up? No one cares and I feel like any attempt at changing it is pointless. Giving in, but I'd rather not be here, just because what hope is there, if I'm the crazy one?
I was always told it was good to question.
Feeling:
Listening to:
Pretending: