It's feeling the same as you did when you walked away from everyone, that time when you couldn't move and you couldn't say anything and no one noticed. And you hoped, you hoped so much that someone would catch you, pick you up and be strong enough to help and then you'd be strong enough for them too. Being able to slip away, knowing that no one is watching and that no one is looking for you. The moment you can't believe what they said, that they'll forget and no matter, because there is always that someone who will cast out for them in a pecking order the same way you do. And you can't help but despise it, because its an ugly reflection of yourself and you don't want to have to look it in the face. The moment that they don't look for you anymore and you become disillusioned, you despise anything they ever said to you because that look, that look that you want for your own, but it really isn't, its a trick and everything they ever said they had just fooled themselves, but you're ashamed that they managed to do it to you, because you're cleverer than that, aren't you? No you aren't, you're just arrogant. And it's those moments, where your chest is hollow and the air you breathe is racing around inside until it hurts, where every step feels like you're walking on air as if you have just made a profound realisation, but you're only feeling sorry for yourself and no one will follow, because why should they? You only want someone to indulge your every whim, and being unhappy is a way to get that? You've convinced yourself that you are a martyr, that it is best if you leave, because then no one will be unhappy but you. All it does is make everyone think you're as spoiled as you're trying to conceal that you are. All you want is for someone, no, one person, a few people to want to know whats wrong and help, but why should they when this is all you do? And I walked away, beliving I deserved someone who would follow me and try and stop me leaving. Of course it didn't happen, but I'm glad now that it didn't, because I don't need indulging. I'm sorry, I really think it's because I love you too much, but how can I say that? I'm an idiot.

Feeling:
Listening to:
Pretending:

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