In other news: I am slick-sliding sick of him, and his face.// I am resolved to do some work.// I was resolved to get things "sorted out", which meant going to see Mrs. Donnie Darko, however, this has not been done. I feel, stripped and flipped about// I am happy, right now, I am living right in the midst of this beautiful glowing happiness, a few words from someone, thats all it takes// And, it makes everything less complicated and more so.// But I need this.//
It has changed already, and I am tired. Happiness and glow, it all fades, 'til I can't remember what or who. Who made me happy, chase it!
I know how annoying we all are. As always, I was, am, convinced I am different. I don't want your sympathy, I am falling apart. It is interesting to me. (But more than anything in the world, I want you to help me)
The worst thing is: they know I'm a fraud. I am chasing chaos & feeling alive. That's what I want, is it? My eyelids ache, my eyebrows ache, my brain is dim, dying happiness. I am pathetic, if this makes me happy, if this is what I feed from; praise. But it is more than that, because I am too attached, I am too attached now, as a friend, as a crutch? I don't think you know quite what you got yourself into. I am spinning happiness that you did (see below)
It's all a self-indulgent conceit. I am not interesting, I am not crazy. I just can't deal with it = I am selfish, lazy, self-indulgent. I am not happy, because of these things, because I am an ugly person, not stripped bare and breathing, instead sticky-coated, covered in conceit. I chase it, can't let go, can't me be, be me, can't know what it is, but I don't, I just don't anyway. I am trying to untangle the truth, from what you say, I say, they say. These hugely important dipping, diving influences, swoop in & out and mean so much, tear through my insides and through my mind, my heart, whatever. They do not think they are even passing. It is strange.
Untangle these thoughts, make sense & live. It gets in the way so terribly.
Feeling:
Listening to:
Pretending: