I am lately staring at the clock and drawling time away, listening to my shiny blue jellybean inscribed piece of new-fangled technology. Humming in the kitchen with scrawly sounds and repeating german verbs and useful words, for tomorrow morning. And now I have stopped and am writing a little of nothingness.
My counsellour is the same as Donnie Darko's. I find this comforting yet slightly scary, I also have to sit tucked behind my knees, because looking at her would be quite too scary. And so, from now on there is oh, much more talking, and oh, it gets harder to explain, or want to hear what she says. I don't want to hear what she says, and pretend that life is good and be happy here, with this, even though perhaps I should; and apparently 'okay', it isn't shallow, and now I don't quite know what to do. I went to visit Luke, and stole his swivelling chair, and some of his lunch, and we watched black and white tv and are going to Edinburgh soon. And he is silly, and exactly the same as he was a year ago, apart from now he likes to tell me who he sleeps with, and cares very little who likes him, now he doesn't have to. And it is nice, and quite comfortable to fall back into friendship so soft. I think perhaps I won't pass this exam, even though it isn't even very late yet. Hoffentlich, wirst du mir helfen mit...mein Leben? Vielleicht weisst du mehr als mich. Es sorgen machen mich nicht so viel, also kann ich nicht deutsch sprechen. Ich muss mich auf nichts vorbereiten. I drew on the wall of the Student Exec office in lipstick today. I spent the sunny days talking about the conjugation of French verbs and all the while hoping, hoping, hoping that when I got home I would find it easy to stop time, or easy not to eat at all. For all this talking I am not solving any problems. I need to take beautiful pictures. Ich muss die Klavier ueben. I must, escape, it is a pretty thing to dream. I do hate reality and I wish I could tear it all down. Buzz, bux, buzz, zbbzz, bzz,bz.


Feeling:
Listening to:
Pretending:

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