I don't want to talk to you, because I'm scared, scared that you'll be blunt and abrupt and you won't want me, you won't want me there, you won't want to talk to me and you won't want the way I think, or feel . Scared that you'll tell me the truth about myself. That's why I'm scared of you. Because I know you know me, you know what I'm like and you can see my faults clearer than I can. Is it because you've got power over me? You only have it because I gave it to you, because I let you know me and I let you get this far. Because I actually want to know you, but I'm scared that I don't deserve you, because I know you know and I know, that I'm not good enough. I must trust you, more than anyone to give you that, because you know how few people I trust, but this seems so similar, such a deja vu and it reminds me of a time, way back when. Trust you more than anyone, because I don't let anyone in, and although I'm scared of everyone - I'm hardly scared of anyone. I can convince myself that I'm an equal to most, just not you. And the worst thing in the world, for me is to disappoint you, because in other ways you are so much my equal, but so high above me at the same time that to make you disappointed in me, really hurts. Is it because I'm feeling something I shouldn't ? Probably not, but I do so want you to think well of me, I want to impress you so much, but I can't figure out if its because your praise is so hard to earn, or if its because I want you to think I'm something I'm not, just so that I won't have to be scared that you, too, will reject me. I know it doesn't make sense at all, but it might go some way to answering why I've been so stupid recently.
I want to pretend that I'm not as awful as I am, that I really deserve you, but how long can I really pretend to myself?

Sometimes I'm even scared to try and belong, because I'm afraid that there isn't anyone the same, and they don't want this extra trouble. But if you weren't there I don't know what I'd do, I couldn't do anything and although sometimes I can hate you; I'll love you even more exactly because you aren't.
But I want someone to hold onto me regardless; they won't get scared by these stupid things I do; they won't leave me because I'm too difficult, because I'm not always happy; they won't anymore, anymore, because this is killing me more than if you actually left.
Because its just all too familiar, and it cut me up the last time, what can I do though? What can I do? I told you it always happens, for once, I was right.

Feeling:
Listening to:
Pretending:

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