driving to school in the village we used to live in, freezing cold & a grey-sortof day. I told my little brother that the ice patterns frozen all over the windows were painted on by Jack Frost in the middle of the night. My brother was so sweet back then, he's pretty sweet now too.

when i first taught myself to play 'greensleves' at the bottom of the stairs at the old house.

playing in the fountains at trafalgar square, aged sixteen, with all my hair cut off, and steve-the-bear.

similarly, running around in the somerset house fountains with luke, gemma and natasha, walking around London soaked through, wearing slightly too seethrough clothes, wandered through to the huge outside book market, while gemma tried translating latin to us, and we spent hours looking at old books.

when i was in tears at home, just one day, i'd just had all my hair cut off, and i felt cut off from absolutely everything. scott phoned up, and i told him to come round, straight away, when he did. and for some reason i didn't expect that. he came straight round and held me, 'til i stopped crying, and convinced me to go out, and i had a good time. then he kissed me, he broke the curtains, and kissed me a little more . i don't think things ever went the same after that, somehow i wish we still had it.

when we & the furnisses mattress surfed at the old house, when miriam & i were five

when jen & i used to talk to the man buried in the concrete at school, or collected blossom, just so we could jump in it.

when we played the french detective game, or built a palace by nicking all the ropes and hoops from the little kids..with kate.

when we conducted a court case between two apples. and taped it.

in strasbourg. jen, chris, kat, pierre & i climbed over the fence into germany, ran around, took pictures and came back to france again, before curfew.

when holly & i built a camp in the dining room, and stayed there for days. Last year..

when we sat outside on the roof, wrapped in a dressing gown and talking about everything. it was two in the morning and we waved at steves dad as he walked past.

when we went to see chicago, taking stupid pictures of ourselves

screaming at road bumps

the day of our drama exam, with those people absolutely saturated with meaning. we let mum reverse into a lamp post whilst we sang 'buttercup', we ran around the theatre, we performed and then wandered around grays, flinging window screens, eating chips in french and behaving oddly.

the week i spent at that boy's house, making stupid omelettes and watching strange films, talking about eating disorders, cutting and kissing over webcam.

the wine and bridget night, playing 20 questions in the thunderstorm and being decidedly weird. being with my two favourite girls, two favourite in the world.

fearing the cheesestrings at jens tenth birthday.

having orgies on the bouncy castle, and getting a split lip and still beating the uber-karate champion :P

the first time jonnytin hugged me, for no particular reason, when i didn't even know him

when aaron told me that i belonged, that i should stay

working with natalie, being beaten up by her when she was my husband

bouncing with anna & libbu. the seagulls & the andersons

having holly live at my house

and jen living here too

spending time over the field, doing nothing in particular and sitting in the sun with you all

laying on scotts bed, with him on my stomach, talking about absolutely nothing for hours and then swallowing a five pence piece.

talking about badgers in maths.

in fact, maths years 10 & 11 :D

going to the tate gallery with two of my favourite boys, at that time (i don't know them anymore). there was a giant sun reflected onto the ceiling, and it was hushed quiet, sort of thick with murmurs, we lay in a little triangle. the first boy i ever kissed had his head on my knees and my best friend, and his, lay his head next to mine. we lay there for an hour, and there were little giggles and things floating all over the place. it was really dim, and the memory is kind of grainy. I think someone was singing out there, and there was a guy with exactly the sort of camera I want, taking pictures of everyone. happy & peaceful

sitting with one of those boys in an empty classroom, on the last day of term. he was finishing his art coursework, and i had nothing to do, i painted his arm pink, and his face and his hair, and he painted mine. we talked to the cleaning lady and pretended we were a couple, she said she hoped we were.

when holly & jon/ holly & scott came round for dinner.

when the boys were playing with swords in the back garden

the halloween party, laying in the lounge with the doors open in the middle of the night, listening to jimi hendrix, really quite drunk & laying on top of each other, still slightly in love then, black face paint and wings, limbs skewed all over the place. waking up in the morning drenched in red light, and sleepy soft.

laying all through the night and talking, about all sorts of rubbish, all night, with all of you. it was beautiful then.

laying on the field, folded in by nightime, talking about silly things, just with you.

sock fighting in a classroom, being carried to the bin, teaching you to eat twixes -properly-

if we think about it, death is the ultimate purpose of our life.

when libby held me, on the floor, the morning of the lit. exam

when i went to natalie's house, and everything spilled out & she was there for me.

talking to my holly on the phone for hours, with the lights off and intermittently crying. and she listened to me and i listened to her.

when luke kissed me, held me on his bed and told me i had to stop, he sounded like he actually meant it, then.

having scott come round my house and everything being exactly like it should have been. laying on my bed and just having him there, him having hold of made everything fit together, for once. and being able to talk to him, like before, like we always wanted and being able to kiss him, because then it was just us. [us against the world]

playing with ben in the backgarden, tying tea towels into the apple tree and making all the bears live there, forbidden to touch the grass, we must only have been about 6, or 5.

my dad taking ben & i to the natural history museum. I held his hand the whole way round, we got dinosaur snappy heads and drank a fruit pastilles drink. thats all i remember. we were quite small at the time. ben was my best friend then

i remember the day we moved out of my old house. i had saved the chocolates mr shiner gave me, saved the last one for that day. i tore up a bit of wallpaper and wrote my name, in case someone might remember me. i wasn't that sad though, i was quite excited. i sat with cass in our new bathroom, so that she didn't get scared that night. the night before was tom's birthday and we had a birthday tea sitting on boxes.
love denied blights the soul we owe to god.

"And now and then it's clear to me
That need is love
And love is need."

Feeling:
Listening to:
Pretending: