I'll put my life on hold for these exams, which take huge bites out of this fleshy life. Although I feel insane and capable of anything; absolutely anything. To let myself go and throw plates crashing into the wall, to not be too cold or have to come home for tea, to not have to eat at all, and feel sometimes that my hips are grinding into each other, feel swallowed inside myself, not to live this boring mundanity. I want to pack a suitcase in sunny freedom when college ends, and leave. So many times I've wanted to leave, but I can't leave alone, I can't be alone. I want to be twisted tangled up with someone exactly the same, I need to find the other part of me. I want to spend winters in India, buy liquid gold in Japan. They must be out there somewhere, the rest of me must be somewhere., I want the freedom to be as crazy as I feel, I'm selfish I want to indulge myself. But I know that there are people who need help, while I am this frivolously crazy and that I should could can should help. But I want to explore, I want to record every single little beautiful thing I find, and I want to paint a portrait of what this all means. I don't know quite what it is I want, I never do know. I am not going to waste this little chance I have. But that is all I ever do.

See you later, pancakes!

I don't want to be reminded of all the good things I lost; but I don't want to forget they ever happened, because they might not again. I can't help one little bit & it is arrogant to presume I could, but I can't even help myself. I can, this is stupid. I'm looking too close to try and find the good lines and the bad, because there are there they mst be somewhere. You always tell me I think too much, can you think too much? I can't think about anything useful at all, nothing good and I can't stop thinking. It all hurts too much to see you. Too much noise, and I think did I try to hard to get rid of the rules, that I let too much chaos in and I can't get it out. But I still want more, 'cause that way things are too screwed to really hurt. Is that it? It makes things more beautiful so there is something to live for. That must be it.
I was in trouble with the police, but no, it wasn't for being crack-dealing whore.
I need to be able to speak German in...7 days. Rawr. No, eight. I HEART Huckabees thanks to people who are too frivolusly generous and nice. I want to throw some plates, I want to go crazy and be happy.y Sometimes there is no hope for the redemption of mankind, because people are selfish.
But sometimes I feel like I could be so happy oblivious to that and lived in the country with tiny curly haired children in wellies and long grass and sunshine and everything would be okay and I wouldn't go crazy from hating this and loving it all too much,. except at different times. I am boring.

Feeling:
Listening to:
Pretending:

last * next