I'll just sit down, shall I? Pretend that you're listening to me trying to help. Pretending that I don't know you're right. Trying to be in control all over again. Petrified that I'm turning into her, and that you'll all hate me soon. On the other hand just wanting to because it'll be like I'm with you all, inside your head. Now I don't know if that really is what I want. I'll just stuff my fucking face. Then I get upset, then I have to cry, then I have to get rid of it all, but it wears me out too quickly. So I don't bother anymore.

I don't exactly know what it is that I want, I never had it, I know. Maybe I just thought I did, or I had the promise of it. So I will sit here waiting, avoiding all the work that I really should be doing because otherwise I will, fail my exams. But when it isn't the person you want, and there will be one person you want, it doesn't work. Whether now, or forever, or for three months or three weeks. And when they don't it strips you of everything, I know that. But that's when you know it won't work anymore, when you've spent three months punishing yourself because they don't want you. Then maybe you see that you're doing exactly the same to someone else, or maybe you just see someone else going through it, exactly the same.

Then you realise maybe they aren't worth all the damage they're doing to you.

And you pull yourself out looking for people to hold onto. I think I found them, but I can't find her because she's too far away and I can't wait for her to be here again. I really think I did, so thanks.

See how this all changed from what I wanted to say, but then I wanted to say it all anyway? Well, I do. I think theres something wrong with me.

Feeling:
Listening to:
Pretending:

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