'They're my return ticket,' she said. 'There are born suicides and born non-suicides. The former don't necessary kill themselves, the latter sometimes do. I belong to the first category, you to the second.'
--
'Let me put it this way. I'll never kill myself because I love you.'
'You say that but you may not always love me.'
'I will always love you.'
'I wonder. If amour didn't rhyme with toujours, maybe we'd never have thought of equating love with eternity.'
--
'A suicide kills two people, Maggie. That's what it's for.'
--
Unhappiness may lie in our failing to obtain precisely the right sort of happiness.
--
I have been in a strangely happy mood since my piano lesson, where things sound beautiful and the Chopin was the only thing screwing around in my head. And then, when I stepped outside, it began to rain and it smelt like spring again.
Recently, little things build up to convince me I'm crazy, but this is unexplainable, which just might be the cause of it. When I walk along and I wonder why that car I stepped out behind didn't hit me, because I am convinced that looking at it now - I did stand in the middle of the road and wonder - that I should have been in front of it when it drove past me,or under it. Just because the perspective moved, and the laws of physics or whatever the hell they are, well they changed. To me at least, in that moment. That happened to me a few times today. And something like that happened at college, I can't remember what, but I remember it because the feeling that you're slipping out of the reality of everyone else is pretty memorable. Strange, strangling sort of thing. And maybe all these thoughts that are riccocheting around in my head have started chipping bits of my brain away. I can't remember anything. Nothing at all, and we know this has been a problem before.
But today when you exchange a look with someone, and you both know exactly what is happening, what you are both thinking, that's a good thing. Why did we think that though? Distaste and tiredness, wrinkled-nose tiredness. I think perhaps we expected it too. You're just as childish as I am, and well I love you; because being understood seems really important right now. What else is it? I'm flicking through everything but I can't remember what it is, something thats happened. I feel, I felt like my insides have fallen out, like I'm just something hollow and brittle wandering around. Like I'm being stretched out from the inside, and that all these people that meant too much; meant too much and now I've lost them, I lost them so I push them away..because they're supposed to see through it, come back and prove that they need me too. You're supposed to see through me anyhow. But at the moment I'm having a little bit of a hard time, trying to figure out quite why things keep slipping out of reality and why, when I was walking home I was convinced there was a train in someone's front garden, but it turned out to be a fence. Maybe today was just a bit of a crazy day. And why exactly I'm finding it more than a little hard to focus on things that happen in front of me, and how to piece together events, see the bigger picture? I'm not really too sure how it's supposed to look. Piece together, but everything seems so familiar, you do the same thing as him? You must mean the same thing as him. No, that's not right. What I feel is hard to reconcile with what I should feel and the right things. Another thing that bothers me is borders. Who decides what I should feel and what I shouldn't, besides, what means that I am wrong? Where exactly do you draw the line, I don't understand it. I don't think this is making sense the way I intend it.
This is me trying to detachedly figure out what I feel, why, and what it makes me do. Sort of. It's an easy-to-see-how-selfish-I-am. This is why I hate myself. But like I said before, I need to find this out myself.
Let's try; and to use an example, shall I attempt to explain? Let's see if I can do this. You refuse to come and see me, therefore you don't want me anymore and I don't like you because of this. Because I need you and you don't need/want me. So I try and tell you, but I can't do this very well. You go somewhere else instead and say goodbye to me, the usual way. I say goodbye but intend to illustrate how you have hurt me by not needing me anymore (which you obviously don't...&c.) and do not, reply bluntly and without much feeling. You think that I don't like you anymore (in this respect we are similar I think) and say so. Consequently, you go out and attempt to find yourself someone else; which you do often, I am led to believe. And you make no secret of this, so I am hurt all over again and I hate you for it, because I couldn't have meant anything, could I? otherwise you wouldn't have done it. And I talk to you because you have moved on (ostensibly) and I want to demonstrate how much I need you. Instead, I start sniping at you because I am angry because you don't want me anymore. Even if you say you do, I tell you you couldn't possibly because otherwise how could you do this to me? I tell you that you must never have meant it in the first place, and you are hurt then. You show this oh-so-easily (and I don't know how you do, but you, I suppose it is you, I am scared that you will not want me anymore) and I feel guilty, so guilty. You won't talk to me anymore, but I am full of apologies, scared that you won't need me anymore, so scared scared scared. I want you to talk to me, I talk talk but nothing, and I hurt you, but you can't leave me, and suddenly I don't hate you at all. I just want you to know how much I really do love you, and you have to love me back, you just have to. And I talk and I talk, but nothing. So I hate you all over again, just because I love you too much and nothing. And I want to hurt myself. I have to punish myself because of what I have done to you. I have to hurt myself because I hurt you. I have to because it's the only way I can reconcile my conscience to my emotions, which have more control over me than the former, but I don't understand at all. I have to hurt myself, so that I can deserve you again, so that you might love me.
How many lines did I cross? If I'm not feeling numb, not feeling empty and deadened, as if I have lost all my valuable emotions, this is normal. That scares me. Does it show you yet how selfish I am? How selfish, spoilt, needy and pathetic I am, and I hate it. This is why nothing makes any sense anymore, I have too many thoughts in my brain, they're all trapped and I can't get them out. I can't get them out, but I suppose they fall out, when I open my mouth and a stream of things I don't mean, or that don't make sense, it falls out and I don't have any control over it, I don't know what this is, and I don't know how it relates to anything else. Do I think this has helped? I do. I am being quite logical, and I'm proud of that. It makes sense to me, but whether it does to anyone else is yet to be found, and at the moment irrelevant. Who knows whether it'll help. So, I'm sorry for all the things I do, I guess. And perhaps there is an explanation (Oh yes, you're a crazy person) will it justify it?: Not really, but it might offer some answer, it might sort it out. The stupid thing is, I don't want to lose a lot of this. I just don't want to keep pushing people away, and I don't want to hurt people. Maybe I give myself too much credit, maybe I imagined all of this, maybe none of this actually happens.
It has always seemed to me that I do everything I do because I love too much and that it's not usual. Because I still think I do, I just get hurt far, far too easily and that brings it's own actions, that are still, in a strange way because I love too much, and people don't love me like I do them. This is how this still makes sense upon looking back at it to me, and why I can't see any other way of doing things, because this way still makes sense. I am selfish, I am.

Feeling:
Listening to:
Pretending:

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