'i am stupid. i am smug. i can only analyse my patterns of thought using my patterns of thought'
and i am trying, or i am not thinking. i do not think, or i feel very substantial, except that i always feel very fat, but not in mind mymind, in presence of personality with other people. i am sure you take advantage of the fact that i do not know what i'm doing or know at all what's going on,, so you are always somewhat in the right. but since these words have been exchanged, or disputed, or only in my mind exist at all (but i know that they do exist, that they were spoken because now nothing can be the same again, because i know now that you do not love me completely; and i can hear your defence, but i do everything completely, because in that moment, it is all that exists, that there isn't anything else, i am not capable of feeling anything else) everything in my head is buzzing around and pulsing and scratching everywhere, and yet me, outside, i am vapid and insipid, unsure and always crying, always sad. compulsive, pathetic attention seeker (you weren't supposed to say that too) If you don't buy your children processed lunch foods, they won't love you! I wish I could just be completely who I am, and wouldn't hide how i felt, but then i wouldn't be me, and it's exhausting. I want to escape. get out of here, out of me.
Feeling:
Listening to:
Pretending: