Last night I dreamed that I had been taken hostage by two parts of myself.
One was sitting in the corner in tears and sobbing, just behind my left shoulder so that I couldn't see her. The other I could see, to my right and talking, to me, to the other person, manically so fast I couldn't quite understand.I was strapped into a chair, and my eyes held open, like in a Clockwork Orange. I had to watch two raised screens, in this soupy black room. They were my eyes, looking out, so I was inside my head. And the manic women was becoming more so, she was gabbling so fast and faxing pieces of paper into this raised screen, on the sheets were instructions for me, how to act. But not me in the chair, the me through who's eyes I was watching and they were both watching with me. Her fast, high pitched speech was telling me what the sheets said and I didn't like it. I could see the effect that the instructions had on the whole me - all three of us were part of me - and I was turning people away, destroying things as I walked to college, it seemed. The sobbing woman didn't want her to do it, she wanted her to stop. I was screaming out to stop her, but I couldn't do it and all we could hear was the screaming, getting louder. I was trying to close my eyes, in bed I was trying to open my eyes.
I'm trying to wipe myself out of the way, out of your way, and out of any of this little world that has nothing to do to me. Because I've messed up too many times, and I'm just making things miserable because I want too much. I've thought about running away, except I can't do anything by myself, but no one wants me.
I'm scared of the people that I idolise, there aren't many of those. There are only about four people with whom I'm completely comfortable. Because I trust them, yes I suppose. Because I don't doubt that they love me, I suppose. Because they'll hold me, and they care. Care so much, that they meet 'my standards'. Sure, I'm ashamed to say it, but I do have them, and they're ridiculously high, can't help it. It's all one big defective way of protecting myself. People scare me and I don't want to get hurt all over again. Because I end up getting hurt, not because anyone does anything wrong, more because I expect too much. I see what other people have, I wouldn't recognise it if I had it, but I want it, I exaggerate it. Because I want them around me all the time, but no one has the capacity for that. If they aren't there I can't remember, or I forget, and I have to have someone to cling onto. I have to find someone. I can't not have someone there, someone to run away to, to hide in, to love me, regardless. I can't keep standing up by myself, thats it. I am okay by myself for a little, but if there is anyone else there I can't, there isn't anyone there to soak up my fears, because they love me that much. That's what I demand from people, and it isn't fair to anyone. And once they break, I do. Once they stop me, and tell me I'm doing something wrong, I don't like it, and I don't like them. Because they don't like what I'm doing and they don't prop me up anymore, it can be the tiniest thing, the silliest disagreement,or if they forget to do something once, enough to turn me against them. It's not that they aren't nice, lovely, wonderful people, that doesn't matter. They stopped loving me and they abandoned me. They found someone better, like everyone else did before. Some people, I idolise. And that means I'm scared of them, because I want them to like me, not to find out how stupid I am. So I don't want to be alone with them, because I don't know what they think and I don't know how to act. And I'm petrified that they'll reject me straight away. I can't even stand to be in a room with people I don't know, if I'm by myself. And some people I hate because they left me. Mixing and swapping between hating them and loving them, because I need them, because they're beautiful and they did need me, hating them because they don't need me, not anymore. And I don't blame them. I can't see what is actually left of me, not when I'm like this and it takes over. There isn't anything left of me, I'm just this clinging shell, clinging onto anything you ever felt for that person I used to be. Because I don't know where I'm going, or what I'm going to do, I don't know if I even have a personality anymore, I'm just a clingy desparate neurotic impulsive thing. I can't even muster up enthusiasm for anything. Always, always looking for signs, the smallest things, hoping there'll be something there to encourage me, that I won't have to pretend to myself that you still care. But you don't even notice. All my enthusiasm goes into questioning every little thing and being disappointed. Being disappointed by people, because they're stupid and ignorant and self-interested and manipulative. Like me. Being disappointed because no one cares about anyone else, and I'm exactly the same. I just want someone to want to help, without me forcing them to. I'm so fucking selfish, and that's my only personality trait. But making sure that I'm not making people miserable makes me happy. But I can't entirely trust them, they like to tell me the things I think are stupid. I can't say that they aren't, but I believe them. I want people to be happy, and I latch onto people's personalities, so I can make them happy and be happy like them. It doesn't work though. I just wish you'd stayed. But I'm too much of a mess, not good enough for you, I haven't finished but I haven't got any more right now.
Feeling:
Listening to:
Pretending: