it happened so quickly, too quickly, I wasn't ready for it this time. I thought, in the car - that's where I heard some of those words - that I was doing okay, I was going to do okay by you & I was going to make you so proud, I was going to make this all go away. Stop being selfish, and look for that personality I'm sure I used to have. I feel sick and my fingers are shaking a little bit, and most of all I want to stop myself being so fucking ridiculous. And you did it, well done. Exactly the same, or worse, I can't work out which. But I'm listening ever so carefully for the stairs, because I can't have anyone, not these people, see this. See all the little tears in between the keys, and I'm writing this? Because I want to preserve this, so that I can know exactly what you did to me this time. But what did you do? It's funny that I made the decision before I found out the reason I would. Bye bye beautiful, don't bother to write. I know you better than you think I do, even after this time, better than I thought I did. And most of all, I wish you had just told me, maybe it wouldn't be quite so hurtful, or humilating. I want to scream right now, just scream and scream and maybe it'll all fly out of my mouth, all the black blood, and I can get rid of this. I just can't scream, I can't do it & I just can't. There are parents and siblings and siblings' friends everywhere. There is a gaping black hole in my stomach, and everything is sliding slowly out of control. This wasn't supposed to happen again, I thought I could trust you above anyone. And right now nothing matters. But at least, I don't think you can't hurt me anymore. I'll find a way, I always do. I'll make you matter too much. I do this to myself.
" You'll get by, you always have before." But you let him win, you did it again. "
You broke me even more than you were meant to make up for. And for a while, it's okay to let out how much this is twisting up everything, making me shake and clouding over everything. I can't believe I've wasted this time, depending on you to live. Because I need this too, how else is everything going to feel actually real? There is something to be learnt, and my common sense, my logic can make all the plans it wants to, never hurt like this again, never depend on someone this much, on any of these people. But it can do whatever the hell it wants and I won't listen, you know I never valued logic very highly. My emotions value it even less. I know I should, part of me doesn't even want to. I don't want to feel dead, I don't want to be shallow, like you do. I keep thinking that this is my only chance to actually feel real happiness, that means something, more than this. And I'm still holding onto it, hoping that all this pain means there is something beautiful out there, because there absolutely has to be.
I'm doing better now. I have stopped crying, stopped shaking. I closed the window and turned the lights on. I put a jumper on and washed my streaked, smudged eyeliner off my face. I turned some music on, some beautiful Placebo. Oh, I started shaking again.
run away from all your boredom
run away from all your whoredom
And wave
It's my own fault, I know. You made me laugh last night, because it isn't difficult to see. And I was doing so well, and I kept laughing, I kept it all locked up. And I know I should feel a fool, but I already do, most of the time. Even more, yes. It's okay and I am laughing and smiling again, for no particular reason. Because perhaps this way I can keep up some semblance of normality, normalcy - that word is funny to me - I can pretend that everything's going to be okay. I can carry on doing all those things expected of me. Just turn all the daggers back inside again. 'You'd better keep it in check, or you'll end up a wreck and you'll never wake up'. I put her to sleep for a long time. Or more accurately, they did, and today you joined their ranks, finally in my consciousness as well as everywhere else. I just didn't see, perhaps, that'd you'd been there a while. I have been carrying around a scrap of paper in my pocket for a few days. It says; 'a plea to be rescued from the cage/traps of your own logic.'.
The Pope just died.
There's a place within her mind
With rains already falling
She's insane, this friend of mine
And she's always bawling
Hear her calling
Hear her calling you
(Hush,
It's okay
Soulmate dry your eye
'Cause soulmates never die)
'I'm weightless
I'm bare
I'm faithless
I'm scared
The face that fills the hole
Stole my broken soul'
Poet, scumbag, Liar? (Your label's sticking out)
I'm weightless
I'm bare
I'm faithless
I'm scared
I'm scared
I'm scared
I'm scared
I'm scared
Feeling:
Listening to:
Pretending: