Half-forgotten battlefield, that's all it is now & trying to dig it up is interesting, sad, refreshing. So many promises! To always be friends, to always be there & keep each other safe and happy - so much concern & caring! Surprising? I guess it shouldn't be, but it is, all twisted, seeming a bit more selfish now. Selfish, or grown up or moving on? Or realising a little that you're suffocating, that we're all suffocating? But I'm not going to attempt to write for anyone else, I can't, I don't know the blinds, the stripes on the inside of your minds. Glowing, glittery bright stripes. All tangled and faded and dimmed and sullied. I don't know what this is about. A sick stale taste in my mouth, like cold old coffee. Yet so much! So much latent, brimming under-cover love and raking up of the past, so love and lies and Janus inextricably crawling through. Cold coffee right now, and a cold. Sitting at home & trying to figure it all out or what happens now, where we, I, us stand. I can't discover anything. It feels like the beginning of the end. The reel of twentyfirsts as they click off the calendar seems like a final say, an end, a big shiny sign and a precipice. But not so scary, really.
I am trying to work, I am. Reading essays and making notes, ordering prospectuses (prospecti? ha!) and trying to figure out where, if anywhere, I am going. So what do you do with literature? The master's seem a bit empty, I wish I had done german. Maybe I could move there, Germany, become fluent. Do something useful with all this time, a spread-out blanket in front of me. All these plans, must pin one down & see it through. So it's okay. Not so scary to say goodbye. It isn't a big goodbye, a little one and no strings cut or ties severed. I have no idea. My mind is blurred and dizzy, floor patterns & tablecloths are making me dizzy.
I don't regret it. Not any of it. I regret hurting people & I think I realise now how selfish I was throughout college & last year. I am trying, so hard, trying to learn and grow up & stop being a pain in everyone's collective arse. What amazes me a bit is how wrapped up in myself and my own personal meltdown I was & how much I took for granted. I struggled, I did & I made it very difficult for myself and everyone else. I am sorry for it, I am. I am trying so much to refocus - get things right this time & not getting it twisted round my neck. I'm not sure entirely what's done it. Uni has helped a lot - the new friends, our house and the relationships with everyone, how they have twisted, soured, brightened and everything in between. Maybe being away from all the past and all of the stupid things I did helped. And being caught in the face with it all glaring, I am sorry. I'm not excusing it & I my apologies are not a call for ultimate forgiveness, that is down to you & your personal decision, I wont try and influence its outcome. I am trying to make amends by doing better now, and I really hope it is working. I'm not perfect, by far and I don't really want to be, perhaps. All this gargled jargon, I'm sorry, it clangs and clatters in my ears, because maybe nothing will change in this giant web.

Oh, I don't know. This is a good thing. Such a good thing, and I can't quite believe it. I am rattling like an idiot, but I don't care. This is important and I know. This time I know what it is & I'm not going to wreck it. It has helped me so much, he has helped me so much and I am better because of it. I know I sound like a hallmark card, but I don't really care. All the people who have helped, I'm so grateful. It's tighter knit, not always by choice, but happenstance and fate and all those things and it's for the best I think. I am trying and I hope its working.

Feeling:
Listening to:
Pretending:

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