The ideas of someone emotionally unstable. Because you fascinate me. The artful way you slouch, the way your fingers wander when you're bored, or you close your eyes and sleep along to the music. Or sometimes you look at me, just like you used to. Doesn't happen so often now. The way you ignore me, the way you make me feel worthless. It makes me love you more. And at the same time I fucking hate you for it. I want you to know just how much this hurts. Why are you allowed to treat me like this? Why are you allowed to make me feel cheap and worthless? Why are you allowed to hurt me, so much? I want you to feel this used, and this cheap, this discarded. And every fucking time you come near me I want to hit you, but I can't, because I want you to stay, I want you to need me again, like the feeling in my stomach that makes me want to cry when you're near because you don't want me anymore, that makes my insides twist up, I want to hit you to show you how much this hurts, but I want to show you, too, how much I love you, how much I want you there, all the time and how much I need you. It's why I try and ignore you, it's why I don't want you to touch me, because you got rid of me, because I meant absolutely nothing, I still do. And you told me I was pathetic, ridiculous, stupid, but I wanted you to love me, I still do. You can't touch me, you have to be punished for what you've done, does that mean that you still want me though? I don't know, it must do but I'm confused. You can't, I can't let you, because I need you and I want you to look after me, to touch me, but you can't because you'll only hurt me more, because it'll mean too much to me, like it always did. I want you to know how much this hurts. I want you to know how much I need you. I don't know how to show it. I can't be angry with you, I can try; it seeps out, but only a little, sniping words, slaps and little increasingly hard and spiteful hits. But I can't show you how angry I am. Because you have to love me, and you won't, you'll love me even less. I have to try and keep you, get you back, but I can't do that either, because that's dangerous, because you'll only hurt me again. Because however much I love you, you won't love me back. And I want you to see, the scars on my arms and all the tears, the way that I can't bear to look at you sometimes, the way I look at you and I wish you could feel this. I wish you knew this was all for you, and I wish you wouldn't call me pathetic. I just don't want you to leave. I want this to hurt you as much as it hurts me, but I want you to stay, because I do love you. Because you'll have to prove this to me, because I tried to.

Because those others, they were always so much better than me. Would you only pretend to love me? I don't understand, you said it, you said you needed me. It's me, because I drive you away, because after all that, I wasn't worth it. If I wasn't, why did you do this to me? Why do you mean so fucking much, I don't understand. I can't control what I do when I'm with you, What I'm saying or what I do. It doesn't mean anything, I don't remember it. Why couldn't you just see through me? You were supposed to, for that short while, be the only one who could. It was all too fragile, I can't believe I'm still trying, but I am. And I try, I do. Perhaps I'm the only person who can see this. This isn't real. This has happened, too much. Because it all becomes the same, and it isn't anyone else except me. Why couldn't you just see through me? P.s.,

((And if I hurt you, then I'm sorry, please don't think that this was easy. But I can't give you a reason. I've broken this fragile thing now, and I can't, I can't pick up the pieces. I've thrown my words all around, this is because, because I can spell confusion with a K and I can like it. Here I go, scream my lungs out and try get to you, I let go, simple distraction now tears you away. And I said, did you know I missed you, I miss you? It's to dying in another's arms and why I had to try it. And live with what I did to you and all the hell I put you through. They'll never hurt you like I do. No, they'll never hurt you like I do. But you hurt me too, did you realise? Spin around me like a dream, we played out on this movie screen and I know you can see right through me. Desparate eyes make a desparate soul/ leave me with nothing here on my own, I am not leaving 'cause I'm dying here.You run away, and I can't, I can't get up when you're gone. No, they'll never hurt you like I do. 'Cause we both know what its like to be alone, but we don't have much room to live. There's just no one that gets me like you do, you're my only one. Why couldn't you just see through me?))
Above all, I want you to know how much I don't mean this, although I feel it, how I want you, need you to save me.

Feeling:
Listening to:
Pretending:

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