I don't really know how to say what I want.
I don't think that I will be able to feel all this living as much as I could, because there doesn't seem to be anyone who has this same capacity for love & hate that I do. Perverse sense of beauty and achievement, perception of reality even.. And I can't keep up with other people's expectations, not because mine are easier to live up to, they seem harder to me - but I've never had a good sense of proportion - but because they are so different and so bland. But this isn't true in some respects. I don't know how to communicate this, because it won't make sense; sound like every other time I've tried to explain this, justify myself perhaps, to get this out of my head, so that I can make sense of it. That is what, mainly, it is for, so that I can make sense of this. Not because I want it to stop, I don't think, because I want it all, I guess. I want to find something all-consuming, escaping from all this empty reality. It makes me sad that I find this reality empty, because it isn't, I know that. Why can't I see what's going on and catch it? I think it's because of my (erk, large) self-obsession that I don't see it. I could skip over these things in other people? It doesn't seem possible to me, when it is exactly what I am looking for. In some ways, I want to climb back up onto some disused pedestal, high up and away from everything, I want someone to be looking for me. And this doesn't make sense. This doesn't come out the right way. I don't have a talent with words. My head aches, frustration because I can't get this through. Where do you draw the line between actions of a person, characteristics, that you despise for characteristics in themselves and those of others that are excusable for reasons, chemically-inbalanced, unstable. Where is that line? And I am afraid of being boring, but that is essentially what I am. I think it is that I am wanting for a catalyst, someone to share it with. This sounds like everything else I've ever written.

I don't think that someone can love me, & I love them
because I haven't found someone with the capacity to love like I do; who sees through this mess. This mess, who even sees it, to see through it? Maybe it isn't even there, I imagined it all. Someone strong enough for this. I think I am capable of being unselfish for them, in equal.

Feeling:
Listening to:
Pretending:

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