Well, I did not go. I cried and shouted and shook, and Jen looked after me; because you weren't there. And that is it, now. Everything shattered., and it is nothing anymore.
Oh! Do you think that is somewhat familiar?
And I felt emptied out today, completely hollow. It is the reason all I could say was /nothing/ because that's all there was, nothing and I was nothing. I have begun to panic again, about not having a personality, but it all seems very removed from reality in itself. Reality itself is very fake, and perhaps no one at all has a personality, we project parts of ourselves onto other people. This would be quite consistent, that people are blobs of plasticine and blank and completely impressionable.
I have no personality, merely different facets of 'crazy' that you like or dislike, I am not me. But if it is not me, how am I not myself? They are mine, completely mine.
That doesn't make sense. That we all have our own internal personality, but not an outward one? Perhaps, but then we might all burst, and split our skins, woolly colourful strands of personality spewed all over the shop, or all over each other. Yes, maybe that is right, but really I have forgotten what I was talking about.
I walked home today, and the people I walked past were all talking to themselves, in little scissored shots, a little slice of their life pushed out into the open, to be heard or misheard and shrivel up & disappear. And if you don't catch them, does it mean that it wasn't the only chance anyone has ever had of seeing that person?
If you focus on one end of the spectrum, could you say you had lopped of one half of your body?
99.9% of everything that has ever happened has happened to someone who isn't you and is no longer alive. I have a list of things that I must do, and I am planning so much on being alive., the thought of being alone terrifies me. It is jealous, I know it's wrong, and I know you need other people. I know, but I don't use it, can't do it, or apply it, it isn't real. None of this is very much real. AND YES IT DOES MATTER. To watch it all slip away, and so fast, and so very far away.

I thought you loved me more than this.

Feeling:
Listening to:
Pretending:

last * next