I've never thought I couldn't carry on. People seem to think that somehow I wouldn't want to. Like all the shit I think's going on, and the stupid things I do point towards some attempt of mine to show everyone how I couldn't possibly carry on. It isn't though. It's just how I do things, and it isn't a cry for attention, it isn't me trying to tell everyone I'm emotionally disturbed [I really do tell you often enough :P]. It's just finding different ways to carry on being as normal as possible. So that I don't lose the things that I really do want to keep. Because when I am anything other than 'myself' [myself in that it is not myself; myself that I project and my real self the repulsive one] then the whole cycle begins to repeat itself. Like it has now, only because it got taken away from me. They found out and they stopped me. I'm slipping into numbness again. A testing of 'not-myself' and your reactions force me into retreating. Because I couldn't figure out anything else, I forgot how to work as 'myself' and I could only be me. And that's what was so repulsive. Because I didn't have anywhere else to figure it out. I've never connected it to anything else. I just want it back.

The only thing I got from all of this was you. And I may have lost him; and although that means that part of me is gone, you mean so much more, so much more and now I couldn't live without you. It almost makes me rethink this idea, that I found someone I love like you. And I know you'll always be there, which means even more. Becuase I seem to have lost them all.

Feeling:
Listening to:
Pretending:

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