I try so hard to be perfect.'

Thats the problem, isn't it? I'll try, and I always will. I'll never be satisfied with myself or anything less. Always trying to climb up to that pedestal, so far above me I can hardly see it. And then pushing everyone away because I'm so fucking arrogant, they aren't good enough for me. But they'll push me towards it, abetting me, because they believe all the lies I'm feeding them, that I tell because everything is expendable in the fight for that one, unattainable thing. But they don't see. I can't walk away anymore and I can't escape. It's gotten hold of me, I'm losing me and I don't recognise her anymore.

She doesn't want this now. She wants to be able to make mistakes, she wants just be happy and not care as much as she does. But mainly she wants to be loved by everyone, she wants everyone to adore her, because of the shallow, selfish conceit - it's buried in her now, its coming from the inside out, and it'll turn her as ugly as it is. She wishes she didn't love so intensely, this intensely because it scares her. She's afraid that it will never be reciprocated, that no one will ever 'live up' to what she wants, that she will force people away because they can't, or because they're scared of how much she really feels for them. That soon enough, people won't even bother trying anymore because she's lost in the pursuit of it, and that's all they think of her now.

That she doesn't appreciate everyone enough, because she's too blind to see them for who they really are anymore, how beautiful they are. Because all she ever thinks about is herself, and her desparate need to be thought of, to be admired, to be loved. Selfish bitch. Because underneath all of this, she's not allowed to feel. She shouldn't be.

I told you I was going crazy.

Feeling:
Listening to:
Pretending: