That, of course, being something, which looking back, really was rather pointless in having happened. And annoying, because it caused so much...eh..disturbance. At least I only have myself to blame. But! That is a great thing...because I don't. How odd.
Oh well, it doesn't bother me anymore. It puzzles me a bit though. I'm just relieved that everything can finally be over. Don't ask me why this didn't happen the first time the opportunity presented itself, probably merely the fact that I am a dumbass.
Something which I usually celebrate as some kind of quirky, abnormal personality trait.
Who cares if it gets me into trouble from time to time. Hehe, I don't.
Zoot Zoot. <- This apparently does not qualify as singing.
If you listen to me, I'm full of abnormal, quirky personality traits. But then..I think this is some kind of attempt at vicariously impressing both other people & myself. Tricking them into the belief that under it all, I might be an interesting person.
I was talking to Ryvita yesterday, and he asked why I never phoned anyone. My reply (easy enough to understand, I think you'll agree) was that it was simply too scary...because it'd mean there was more chance of them discovering I have no personality.
It's like when people ask you the one thing you're afraid of. Hmm, I say...oh er let's just pretend I've said er.......spiders.
How incredibly imaginative
That is my morbid fear..being discovered as uninteresting and dull. And talentless. I'd hate that. And useless. I was thinking today, if I ever got really ill, and couldn't do anything. I think I'd rather die.
But then, you don't know how valuable life will be until you've lived it. I haven't.
Not yet, at least. And besides. I was wondering whether I could ever kill myself. I was thinking about depression, and how whenever I've thought I was depressed, it's just been some kind of desparate attempt to make myself more interesting - that there was never really anything wrong. I know I've been over this before, how I always said I've never deserved to feel depressed. That perhaps my life isn't sufficiently depressing enough to warrant deserving to be depressed. But, surely you don't deserve to be depressed do you? Of course you don't. Some of the most amazing people I know get depressed, or they are at the moment. That doesn't mean they deserve it. No. I'm just getting everything wrong at the moment.
I thought that if it ever came to it, I couldn't kill myself. That I'd have some sort of 'enlightenment' just before it happened...that I'd then be able to carry on living life and suddenly, inexplicably, be happy about it. Perhaps even think of it as some sort of tacky new beginning.
But I have this thing about living. On one hand I don't want to live too long. I don't want to get really old...and become so dependent on others. On the other hand I can't wait to be old. It'll give me an excuse to be bad tempered and wear clashing clothes and eat anything I want. Like the poem.
So, I thought of two people. They were depressed, and they both killed themselves. I don't think I could drown. If I did kill myself, I'd want to do it in a brilliantly imaginative way. But I'd probably end up shooting myself. I really don't think I could though. I love stuff too much. Like people. Haha...certain people. But then, I shouldn't worry. It's probably just another attempt at living vicariously.
- - Word of the Week - -
vicarious
(please, as if you hadn't guessed)
And then I thought, maybe that's all my writing is, and my drawing, and my drama. And all that. And All That Jazz.
Feeling:
Listening to:
Pretending: