It's harder to add the la la la at the end now. Stupid again. I've had a relapse. I wish I hadn't. Well in a way, I haven't. But I have. Well maybe Marianne has. Elinor wouldn't let that happen. Or at least, she wouldn't let it show. In one way, seeing it all made me feel kinda sick...ill and depressed, but on the other hand, strangely, inexplicably happy, which was weird. It all happened out of the corner of my eye. And it reminded me so much of a couple of months ago. I wonder if we made it that obvious. I certainly hope not. Well Elinor hopes that. Marianne doesn't care. Anne and Becky just think that it would have been brilliant, just to show everyone. Everyone who thought I wasn't worth it. I mean, I remember once, it happened, and this girl, she was watching. She saw, she was so surprised. And then, I've mentioned this before, that other girl, who didn't even think it possible. *I'm gonna get free, I'm gonna get free, she never loved me, she never loved me....* Just to show them all, I hope it was obvious. I wonder if it happens to a lot of people, already more then I originally thought. And it's almost exactly the same as far as I can tell. Well, with this one person, who I think is amazing. We both cried because of it. I think that's worth something. I don't think they even know. I wish they did, so much, SO much. Just to....well I don't know. Just to show them what an absolute arse ~ahem~ they were. For want of a better description, no doubt they wouldn't care. That's what I want, to make them care. To make them care as much as I did. As we did. I think.
Becky was pleased. She was happy, in this weird twisted way. I don't even know why. That's why I can carry on being happy, because Becky is. I practically turned into Becky completely for part of today. It was so strange. She, she was looking, she could see. And she pretended she looked like Virginia Woolf, all because I wasn't wearing make-up today. I like that. Being Virginia Woolf. And I almost did a Marina with my eyes. Consequently, my science teacher asked me if I was alright, that made me feel better. I kept slipping. Every now and then Becky would disappear, and be replaced with....oh I don't know. I don't know who. Maybe Pierre. Pierre, yes. Pierre knows about depression. When he left her, obviously, but she did get him back...Pierre & I, sat there smiling at no one in particular. Sat there sinking further and further. Keeping each other company. It's not like I don't like Pierre, I just...I needed Becky just then, to make me feel better about myself(I'm so selfish...) Pierre and I, thinking about how THAT person used to be me, and thinking about how much I missed it and how much I wanted it back. Becky came back and told me to get a grip on myself. She won, Pierre disappeared for a while, and I was doing so well! Only fleetingly (what a lovely word), but still nonetheless, I'm becoming increasingly worried that she (Pierre) will be predominantly there tomorrow too, given what happened last time.
Fleetingly, fleetingly, fleetingly
Anne, she keeps quiet mostly, she watches things. She likes to look at things. She has her own corner, I named it after her. It's usually where I look at the sky, with the beautiful sky-line of Grays below. She does laugh at that, although tells me with a note of seriousness, that I shouldn't ever take it for granted. Yes, even that. She thinks that everything's beautiful. I love her for that. And she does try and convince me. She says that I just have to be true, a true-type person. I don't really know how, but she's teaching me. She's one of the best I know.
Becky, I would normally hate, if say she were just someone I knew. But she isn't. She's really strong and she can turn a brilliant insult. She knows what she wants, although she does rather subscribe to the Mr. Parker theory of materialism and ambition. She helps you remember to remember you, which although it's not always important, you still need it. And she has a wicked sense of humour. And she's gorgeous, which I wish I was. They love her despite her. Which I wish I had too, despite how selfish it is. And now, Becky would say, 'Stop being such a fool, and help me think of a way to..' Well, I won't go into that.
Marianne, she loves everything, in a different way to Anne though. She's beautiful too, in every single little way. Which kind of annoys me. She doesn't believe in hiding your emotions, in ignoring things, in lying and telling people the truth. She believes in 'love above all....' (apparently) kind of like Moulin Rouge. She doesn't really know where she's going, but she does know exactly that she's going somewhere, and it's going to be sooo much fun. But she loves everyone. But that love is the most important thing in the world. I don't know if that's true, I hope so though. She's the type of person who (although - gah - it's a clich�) you could say was ..p-a-s-s-i-o-n-a-t-e...that's so cool.
Elinor, is pragmatic. I don't know what that means, but I've been told that it suits her perfectly. She is the one everyone sees, well who they tend to see. She's lovely. But she takes things ever so seriously. Not that she doesn't have a sense of humour...but she just, she has to do things right. Follow the rules, not make her own. And she's loyal. And dependable, and 'solid'...oh how I hate that! I don't know why but that's never appealed to me. To be that, and yet.... I love her for it though.
Pierre, is I am sure, a bohemian. I know lots of them. She's amazing. And she loves sweet peas. She is the type of person who swings, swings between ecstasy and great depression. And she has the best imagination. She's all bright and colourful, even when she's depressed.
Elizabeth, she's my reminder of the other times. I try and be like her, but I fail most of the time. Everyone loves her, and if they don't, they're jealous, it sounds dim, but I think it's true. To be able to talk and think like her, that would be so amazing (seriously, I need a new word). (But it is). And she's so pretty.
Goodness, everyone I know is pretty/ beautiful. Doesn't it make you feel sick?
No but, they're lovely people, so it's ok.
Really it is.
really.
And the others, but I won't remember them all, so I won't list them here.
I was mainly with Pierre and Becky today. I need Becky tomorrow, because she knows how to help me. I need help, really, because I won't be alright if I try to do it myself. I can't do it myself, I know that. Every time, every time I've tried to do it, I say I've tried to do it, I never could. Even today I still failed. No matter how I hard I try. Actually it's easier when it's supposed to be hardest. It's easier to see, apparently what an absolute fool I was, and how much of a ride I was taken for. Which is good. I like to know I still have that control over how I feel. If only for a little while. Because I don't really. It's just, when we're alone, when it creeps back, like there's still a chance, like it could happen again. I still think there's this remote possibility, like soon enough everyone's going to see sense.
Oh, I know it won't. It's Pierre, that's why. It happened for her didn't it? Why can't it happen for me? I know, I know, And I don't think, well I'm not sure I want it to anymore. Really. It's just I get all, sort of, stupidly-sentimental when we're alone together, or even when we're just together. And I hate it.. I hate it because then I see them all happy with those other people, and I just think, what did I do wrong? But....I really, I don't want it to happen again, not after all the shit from last time.
fleetingly fleetingly
______________________________
I hope you have someone's love to keep you warm,' said the driver as she got out.
'Yes,' replied Pierre crisply.
'My dog's. Goodbye.'
______________________________
Pierre felt a tap on her shoulder and found herself looking into the most wicked and dancing eyes she had ever seen.
'Oh it's you,' she said.
'It's me. I love you. I want to live in Italy, have an Aga. four babies and a goat. I can't stand to be without you.'
'You'll have to go away, because I've given you up for Lent and I've met a bullfighter from Seville,' she said.
'Oh,' he said gravely.
There was long silence.
'I haven't really,' she said, suddenly shy.
'I love you, it's dreadful and grim, I've tried so hard not to but I just do.'
'Lucky, lucky me,' he said, and swept her into his arms like she had never left them.
THE END
Feeling:
Listening to:
Pretending: