2003-06-04 : And it was all so perfect......
-life, London, this moment of June.

I am quite happy. Unaccountably happy.

and also fucking, tragically, pathetically sad at the same time.

It's because I'm a dumbass, and I don't know anything. I don't know what to do.

I came home, as you would expect, I suppose. And everyone was there, all these people, some of them I didn't even know. I didn't care, they can walk home with whoever they want. I didn't want them there, but only sometimes. Sometimes, I just wanted to shout at them and then sometimes I wondered whether they were really who they showed to us. * I did lots of wondering * And then I wondered what I'm like to other people. If I knew me, I wouldn't be able to stand me. I think I'd probably consider myself a snob. And lazy. Then I wondered how other people see me. I'm vain like that, and incredibly self-concious too. * Don't want you job in Starbucks * * hey, I might get a job there * People say I need to get a job. People say a lot of things, most of it I don't listen to, most of it's worthless. That's because I'm arrogant, I'm an arrogant little bitch. And soon I shall bitch bitch bitch bitch...But not now, I think. I think I know a lot, I think I'm intelligent, I even think I'm worth listening to sometimes. But I know really that I'm not.It dawns on me occasionally. Although I'm more fortunate than loads, and all I do is sodding moan. And I'm lazy, because I don't do anything about it.

Really, you can look at it two ways. Either it set you free, or you failed. I really don't know which one I believe at the moment. One part of me thinks, they don't want me anymore, this is their way, essentially, of telling you to sod off. Because you're not good enough for them -

* Again, two ways. One part of me feels I should explain, the other, no, another part of me thinks 'Why should I have to explain myself to anyone? Why am I answerable to them?' But I'll give in, and say, for once in my frankly rather pathetic *so far, wink wink...* life, I am not talking about the oppostie sex, and any of my warped relations with them. This is something else, I don't know if it's more important, but it still matters. No wait, it is more important, because what I am comparing it to hasn't yet happened, as much as I want it to, so. It's important this, for me, at least. I finally, finally feel like I'm getting somewhere. Anyway..*

- because you don't do things their way, the way they want you to, and they don't have the ideas they want you to. Oh, I would say, for about the past three years, I wanted to do it like that. It was easier, it was the Right Thing To Do. And that was what mattered. Having people think well of me. No, maybe not well, more like having people think I was clever. I'm not, I pretend to be. Hey, it's good practice for drama. But it's not me. And everyone thought it was. I made it so that was what defined me. I don't know what defines me now, but it isn't that. So I'm happy, about that, at least. * Shut up, you haven't done anything yet, you stupid bloody rich girl * I'm not rich, though. * You still manage to be spoilt* Aha, yes. Well, we'll sort that out later. They want me to feel like I've failed. Well, it's worked, if a little. Part of me feels like an absolute failure. Because, well, I don't know why. Because I'm not doing it their way (so much, at least...well not all at once, you know) and it doesn't really matter to me now. It wasn't me, though was it really? It was them. It's so funny. I just went to the kitchen to help with tea. Mum was there *nur, of course she was, you dumbass*, Nadey was upset because of it. Mum thought I was too, which was the funny thing. And she kept trying to make me feel better about it. I don't think she believed I didn't care. I believe I don't. I don't think anyone else does. They all know what's best though apparently. What's best for them? Ah well, that's doubtful. What's best for me? Oh yes, of course. Some of them do I think, better than I do, and you don't know how much I luvs them for it.

*That's the word we used to use; luvs, it wasn't as scary to say as 'love' as in 'I love you'. It was as if, perhaps if the they didn't mean it it was okay, because it wasn't necessarily love, you know? Oh well, I'm being confusing I know. We still say it sometimes, to each other, but it's worthless now. It means as much as 'Thanks for helping me with my homework.'*

Ha-ha, but before you see, before I would have got all moony (ah - i luvs that word) and pathetic about it. But not now, ( I'm gonna explain more in a minute. Wait, no what's the point in that? I might as well do it now) And I know you'll all say, 'Oh, you've said that before, and it wasn't true then....blah blah blah'. Well. Well, I know, I know bleurgh, shut up. But, no, it is true now. (And I know I've said that before, but it is. It is, I promise) It is true, I can't say I don't care, because I still do, a little bit. But I think I always will. But not nearly enough to affect me. Like it used to. I don't need him anymore (Yep, yep I know....but!) No, no I really don't. No-one believes me. I know that. I don't care, I don't need their approval or indeed their opinion. So. Need being the watchword here, you see. I don't need him anymore, to feel well, worthwhile I suppose. And I know it's stupid that I did in the first place, but things like that do that to you I suppose. Things like what? I should tell you, so you know what I'm going on about really. Oh well. So it's split in two, as per usual. The *smaller, yes smaller* part which wants it back like it was. I suppose I just have to face up that it's always going to be there. Not that I would ever trade what has happened over the past year. Never, because it's been a lot better for me. And, as I said, produced the above result ^_^ which I was so happy with....! And I'm a much better person than I was before. Not for everyone else perhaps. For me, yes yes.

* Boring you out of your skull, yes I know. If this is case, why do you read it? Go off and do something worthwhile*

Ha-ha, I love my friends. I love them a lot, and I hate them a lot too. Sometimes I want to just leave, you know, shout at them all to just fuck off. I don't know why. And, no, I don't do it. But sometimes they annoy me. I annoy them, I know that. They fucking hate me most of the time. I don't blame them of course.

I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. No, no. I don't want to hurt him. Well I never wanted to hurt him either. And besides, it isn't my fault. I know that. But. But, but, but...it doesn't help. It doesn't help, with what I do. What I do, I just make it worse. I've made it worse. And someone knows. Well I don't actually know if they realise they know. Which helps me considerably...! But people are beginning to suspect. Well, they've got the wrong person anyway. Ha-ha. Because they are deludenoids. No they're not.....*refer above* So I don't know what to do. I even wonder if he knows. Well, no one else does, do they? And what would he do? What would he do then?

Ah I did it again. So shoot me. Not properly. Not deep, or anything, just the surface. Well I was angry. Angry at myself, and you know life in general. I'm scared now though. I have to keep hiding. it was stupid, but it had to be done. It had to it had to.

I was going to write so much more, but I couldn't write all my ideas fast enough, I never can. I'm not used to it, it doesn't happen very often.

Listening to: